Merlin, Everyone Is An Idiot
by soft kitty of doom
Summary: Merlin's job is to offer people the chance of a lifetime... Contains time-travel and is a crack!fic.


**Happy Belated Birthday, you overgrown piece of grass. Jk-ing, you lovely. For rockyroad69, everyone!**

 **Thank you, CelestiaRosegold (my honey muffin) for beta'ing~  
**

* * *

The world was about to change.

Not once.

Not twice.

Three times.

...

As the elderly wizard walked down the hallway to his destination, the lights flickered ominously above him. Lighting his path effectively, but shadowing his steps as well. How fitting that the end of the world would be recreated on such a note. Broken light fixtures were as corrupt as humans themselves.

At the end of the hallway was a door.

It wasn't a particular fancy door. Nor did it scream _royalty_ from its small metal hinges.

It was simply a door.

Which the elderly wizard took it upon himself to slam open. With a great scowl set upon his face as he barked out a name, "Bob!"

'Bob' was currently the person slouched in his desk chair, sipping hot tea while reading a questionable magazine about witches. However, the shock was enough to lurch him out of his seat and onto the floor. In a disgraceful pile of bikini-clad witches and hot tea, he peered up at his boss with a sheepish look. "Welcome back...Merlin."

Merlin rolled his eyes and complained, "Bob, how many times do I have to say to _change that light fixture outside._ I feel like a villian in my own office."

Sighing, the elderly man closed the door behind him. "And get LEDs next time. Never do I want to deal with that silly flickering again."

The young man, Bob, hurriedly scrambled up from the floor, taking out his wand and muttering a quick spell to clean up the magazine and tea. "Sure thing, Merlin."

As Merlin strode to his office door, Bob followed him right his heels. Like a puppy. Bob asked, excitedly, "Sir! How did the job go?"

"Terrible. He destroyed the world. _Again."_

Bob made a disgusted face. "Again?

Merlin repeated grimly, "Again." With a short, elderly huff, Merlin collapsed into his desk chair. "Sometimes I wonder why I even bother."

As his job required him to do, Bob wasted no time in immediately comforting his boss. "Sir! You are like _Merlin!"_

 _Pause_

Merlin raised an eyebrow. _That's all you got?_

Bob added in hastily, "You get to go through time and space and offer people the chance to re-write history. Their mistakes and lives. You give them the ability to travel through time and change their destiny with one choice. You are a _good_ guy, Mr Merlin."

Merlin laid his head down on his desk. That was the same thing Bob told him every time he came from a universe that failed.

"Bob. Why did I hire you?"

"I flunked out of your school, sir."

"Yeah. Thought so."

...

"How about this universe, sir?"

"Oh?"

"Look! They could use some help! And that Harry guy looks dependable!"

"True..."

"And it seems that your brother lived in that universe!"

"Which one?"

"Uh... Merlin IX...?"

"I never liked him."

"Me neither, sir!"

"You never met him."

"No. But I trust your judgement on people and if you don't like them then I don't!"

"Why did I hire you?"

"I flunk out of-"

"Just give me the orb, Bob."

...

With a flash of light, Merlin appeared in the living room of Grimmauld Place. He carried only his staff and a small grey orb in his hands. He could feel the wards stretch and shatter from his arrival.

Well, it was one way to ring the doorbell, he supposed.

While he waited for the Potter boy to run down the stairway to bravely defend his family from this unknown threat, he surveyed the family pictures on the wall. They had three children it would seem. His gaze fell onto the wedding picture of a red-headed young girl and the Potter boy. Both looked peaceful and cal —

"Who in Merlin's name are you?"

Ah.

He turned around slowly to the end of a wand and the green eyes glaring at him. The young man was also wearing blue pin-striped pajames, but Merlin wasn't going to mention that.

Merlin replied in a grand voice that could cower the strongest of men and destroy the tallest of buildings, "I, young man, am Merlin!"

 _Pause_

The look on Potter's face looked torn between anger or throwing his wand away and going back to sleep.

The magical crickets chirped.

"Look. I'm over hundred years old and I've just traveled two universes to get here. Can I sit down?"

"No."

"I get it. I get it. You can even point your wand at me while I sit on the sofa. Do you really want to go to Azkaban for abusing your elders?"

"...Fine."

...

 _ **Fifteen minutes later.**_

The young man was rightly and unquestionably flabbergasted. Merlin preened inside. Usually it took more to shock people than just telling them everything. But Gryffindor's always did seem to be the more amusing ones to tell.

"You mean..." Harry stopped to take a sip of tea, staring absently into the flickering fireplace. "I could travel back in time and prevent _everything?_ "

Merlin stopped the process of spooning sugar cubes into his cup. "Yes, I suppose so." Giving the people ability to time travel was a highly dangerous job. They were given one chance to change the course of history and Merlin had one chance to switch it back if they messed up. It was a tiring job.

Hopefully this time — he gave a small smile to the young man who still seemed to be in shock, he gazed at the light flickering over the faded lightning bolt scar on his forehead, before going back to sip his tea — _hopefully,_ this young man would be able to be one of the smart ones.

Merlin promptly spat his tea out.

Even if he did make rubbish tea.

"Are you British?" Merlin asked doubtfully.

Harry looked up, startled, "Uh. Yeah, yeah. I am. Why?"

Merlin gave a snide look to the cup of tea before shaking his head. "No reason." He had barely taken another sip of his tea when the young man across from him slammed his fist on the table. Merlin barely avoided an embarrasing spit-take on The-Boy-Who-Lived.

Harry declared loudly. "I'm going to do it!"

After Merlin finished choking and pounding his chest, he croaked out, "Are you sure?"

Harry stared distractly into the fireplace with a grave expression. "Of course. So many lives were lost and..." He closed his eyes, obviously not able to continue.

Merlin ignored that and clapped his hands together. Now was not the time to be depressed. Even if you did make terrible tea. "Excellent! Now, there are one thing you should know... when you go, I'm just sending your soul back, alright? Do you know what that means?"

"Of course, I do."

Merlin held out the orb. "Tell the orb where you want to go."

"..."

"... Yes, talk to the orb."

"Right.. just ta — "

"Yes."

"Do I need to address it or —"

 _"Just take the orb, young man."_

Harry hurriedly grabbed the orb. "Sorry!"

He peered over his spectacles solemnly. "Now say where you want to be transported."

Harry took in a deep breath before blurting out. "I want to be transported to the night my parents died!"

Merlin's eyes widened. "Wha —

The world went black.

* * *

Merlin batted away the smoke curling from the edges of the doorway. With a sad sigh, he made his way up to the destroyed baby room and peered into the crib where laid a baby who looked just as depressed as him.

"You are an _idiot._ What part of _just your soul going back in time_ didn't you understand?"

The baby gurgled.

Merlin could feel a little bit of his soul escaping.

* * *

"Are you _bloody kidding me?"_

Merlin surveyed Ronald Weasley with a critical eye. The redheaded man was currently gaping at him with such an expression that resembled a fish. He shrugged and sipped the cup of cocoa because apparently, The-Side-Kick-To-The-Boy-Who-Lived didn't have any tea left, and Merlin was stuck drinking a sugar drink that looked like mud had been added to it.

"I'm not, Ronald," he replied. "I'm very, _very_ serious."

Ronald narrowed his eyes at him. "What's in it for you, mate?"

 _Morgana finally giving me a paid vacation._

Merlin replied with a straight face. "I wish for a better world for everyone."

Ronald blinked. "Oh. That's good of you." He took a sip of his cup — looking just as absent-minded as Harry Potter had.

Hopefully, this one wasn't as stupid as him.

Ronald slammed his fist on table and declared loudly. "I'll do it!"

Merlin managed to avoid the spit-take once again, but was resorted to hacking and coughing up his cocoa. Why did they all insist on deciding by slamming things?

"Fine," he croaked out as sourly as possible and stuck the orb out. "Here, just tell the orb — wait, where are you going in time?"

Merlin always learned from his mistakes. Never again would he let the orb be touched by an idiot.

The young man was already reaching for the orb eagerly, "I'm going to ask Hermione to the Yule Ball dance."

"Oh, you're a lovely husban— wait, _what?"_

"What?"

Merlin stared at the man like he had just decided to stick butter out the window to find out what temperature it was. In short, he was staring at the man like he was a complete and utter _nutcase._ "You have the chance to change history and you want to _ask your wife to a dance?"_

Ronald glared at him, a bright red blush already blossoming on his ears as he tried to grab the orb. "She never lets me forget it, mate!"

Merlin yanked the orb back and cradled it. "Don't touch the orb, young _whippersnapper."_

"What?"

"The orb doesn't deserve you."

" _What?'_

Merlin looked down at his bare wrist. "Would you look at the time! I have to go somewhere right away."

Ronald protested. "You can't just lea —"

Merlin narrowed his eyes at him. "I. Must. Leave. Right. Away."

He cringed and held up his hands defeated. "Right. Off you go then."

With a flick of his wrist, Merlin disappeared from the living room of the nutcase and vowed never to return.

* * *

"Ah, Hermione Granger. Top of class, brightest witch of this age. Now where in time would you like to go?"

"Murder Tom Riddle before he leaves the orphanage and destroys the world."

"...You want to kill a baby?"

"..."

"..."

"... Alright. Maybe I'll get Ronald to ask me out to the Yule Ball instead."

"You're _all_ mentally delusional."

* * *

"Bob."

"Yes?"

"Do you want a job? Because I'm _so done._ "

"But you are _like Merlin."_

"Bob. Why did I hire you?"

"I flu—"

" _Don't answer."_


End file.
